


Just Leave

by imagining_supernatural



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 11:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11690775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imagining_supernatural/pseuds/imagining_supernatural
Summary: You’re depressed and feel like the Winchesters would be better off without you.





	Just Leave

          You couldn’t take it anymore. Trying to hide everything behind a fake smile and coming up with bad jokes to hide the fact that you were so broken. The Winchesters didn’t know that you cried yourself to sleep every night. They didn’t know that you would wake up at three in the morning with a painful, dark pit in your stomach, clenching until you couldn’t breathe. The monsters in your mind weren’t just mental now; they were physical. Nothing you did could kill them. You cut and you scratched and burned, but nothing helped. They were still there, inside of you, just under the skin.

          And soon the Winchesters would find out. You knew you couldn’t hide it forever. They were too damn observant and it was a miracle they hadn’t found out yet. Why they couldn’t see how utterly worthless you were was a mystery to you. It was painfully obvious to you. And once they saw it, there would be fireworks. They would blame themselves because that’s just the kind of people they are. They spent their whole lives saving people, and you knew they would want to save you too… but you didn’t want to be saved. You didn’t want them to feel like they failed when they couldn’t save you.

          That’s why you had to leave. They didn’t deserve the pain you would ultimately bring them. They deserved people like Bobby or Jo. People who didn’t spend their nights ripping themselves apart.

          “Hey,” Sam’s muffled voice came from the other side of the door. He knocked a few times and waited until you made a noise of acknowledgement to open the door. You carefully arranged your expression to something neutral as he walked over and sat on your bed next to you. “We found a hunt down in Mississippi.”

          “I think I’m going to sit this one out,” you said softly. “I don’t feel very good.”

          Concern immediately covered Sam’s face. “Do you need me to stay with you? I can take care—“

          “No,” you said too quickly. “I’ll be fine. I think I just need to take it easy for a few days.”

          “Are you sure? This looks like a simple salt and burn case. Dean can take care of it.” The look in Sam’s eyes melted you and you had to remind yourself that he deserved someone better. Someone who wouldn’t end up hurting him.

          “I’m sure. You guys go have your brotherly bonding time. Don’t worry about me.” You’d be gone by the time they got back. The idea of leaving had been planted in your mind a few weeks ago and this was the perfect opportunity to just disappear from their lives.

          Sam smiled hesitantly. “If you’re sure… Though I don’t think I can handle being alone with Dean in the car for that long. I’ve kind of gotten used to having you around.”

          He bumped your shoulder with his and you forced a smile. He was just being nice. He didn’t actually mean it. “Well, maybe you’ll decide you were better off before I started tagging along. I’m sure having a girl around all the time hampers your boy time.”

          “Nah,” Sam shook his head. His eyes found yours and held on. “Are you really sure you’ll be okay alone?”

_You’ll be better off leaving me alone._ “Yeah. It’s been a while since I’ve had a few days to myself. I’ll be fine.”

          Sam just nodded and stood up to leave. “Well, Dean and I will probably take off in about an hour then. If you need anything…”

          “I’ll let you know.” You pretended to promise. “Thanks, Sam.”

          He leaned down and kissed you on the forehead. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

          You nodded and he left you alone with your destructive thoughts.

* * *

           “Drive safe.” You hugged Dean tightly, knowing this would be the last time you ever saw him. “Be careful.”

          He returned your hug and you memorized that moment. “You too. Eat lots of soup and you know where my porn is,” he winked. “Whatever it takes to make you feel better.”

          Pushing aside the thoughts of what really made you feel better, you slipped into your perfectly normal role and rolled your eyes. “Thanks.”

          He grinned boyishly. “I’ll be in the car.”

          You and Sam watched him walk away and it tore at your heartstrings to watch his bowlegged gait for the last time. He turned the corner out of sight and you turned to Sam. Saying goodbye to Dean was hard enough, but Sam was… well Sam was Sam.

          “You’ll call if you need anything?” Sam asked, taking your shoulders and looking you in the eye.

          “Yeah,” you lied. “And you be safe. Don’t let Dean talk you into anything too stupid.”

          Sam pulled you into his arms and you wrapped yourself around him, taking in his familiar smell and feel. Being in his arms always made you feel safe and like everything would be okay. His hugs were dangerous. They made you believe a lie for a brief moment. But, since you wouldn’t ever have to worry about falling for that lie again, you let the hug linger longer than you normally did. You committed every feeling to memory; how his heartbeat sounded next to your ear and the firm muscles of his back. The way he seemed to curl around you, hugging you with his whole body.

          Pulling back was harder than you ever imagined. You weren’t quite ready to break contact with him yet, though. What was a few more seconds in the long run? So you cupped his cheek with your hand and slowly slid your fingers into his hair. Your eyes connected and the moment felt heavy and pivotal. “Go kill a ghost, alright? Save some people.”

          He nodded. “You look like you’re sending me off to war and you don’t think I’ll be coming back.”

_I’m the one who won’t be coming back again._ “Well, without me there to watch your back, you never know.”

          Sam grinned and you tucked that image away. If his face was the last thing you saw in this life, you would be content. “I think Dean and I might be able to handle this one, but you could always come along. It’s not too late.”

_Yes it is._ You playfully shoved him away, needing to act normal so he wouldn’t suspect anything. “Go, Winchester. You can’t gank this ghost if you’re not in Mississippi.”

          He grinned again and walked away, waving before he turned out of sight. As soon as he was gone, your smile fell and the pit in your stomach expanded. The Impala’s engine started and you listened as the only two people left who cared about you in this world drove off. But you knew they would get over it. It wasn’t like you were all that important. You were just some chick they hunted with for a few months.

          You weren’t special.

* * *

           The grass had just been mowed, and you knew that you would have green stains on your knees when you stood up, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. You’d done everything you needed to do and you didn’t have anything left. No reason to live. But you needed to visit your parents’ graves one more time. You needed to see their names carved in the stone. If everything went according to plan, you wouldn’t have a grave. You would just be some Jane Doe. Nothing would be left to mark that you ever lived on this planet. You could just be forgotten.

          “Hey mom. Dad,” you whispered. The sun was bright and hot overhead and the gravestones were warm to the touch. It was fitting. Your parents had always been there. They’d been warm and welcoming and tried to help you whenever you needed help. They didn’t deserve a cold daughter like you.

          They had called you their miracle child. After years of trying to get pregnant and nearly giving up, you’d come into their lives. If only they knew what a broken soul they got. It wasn’t their fault. It was yours. There was always something off about you. Ever since you could remember, you’d been different from the rest of the kids. The world had weighed more heavily on you than everyone else.

          “I’d say that you’ll be seeing me again soon, but I think we all know that’s a lie.” You swallowed hard and a tear fell to the grass. “I hope you like Heaven. I mean, angels are dicks, but the personal heavens don’t seem too bad. At least, that’s what the Wi—Winchesters said.”

          The tears fell faster now. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the daughter you wanted. I’m sorry I was always sad and that I isolated myself from you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. And I’m sorry for what I’m about to do. But I can’t keep going on like this. At least in Hell I won’t have to pretend.”

          You cried until you couldn’t cry anymore. You should have been scared of what you were going to do, but you were just numb. This wasn’t emotional anymore. It was just the best option. It was logical. You didn’t have anything left to offer the world, so it didn’t make sense for you to stay. It didn’t make sense to keep living somewhere when you were just adding darkness and depression. The world didn’t need you. It would be better off without you.

          Footsteps sounded behind you and you quickly dried your face and hoped whoever it was didn’t look too closely at you. You expected the footsteps to keep on the pathway behind you, but the sound of shoes on stone stopped and the soft padding on grass came your way. You glanced over your shoulder and your heart dropped.

          “What are you doing here?” You whispered.

          Sam sat down next to you. “I could ask you the same thing.”

          “Visiting my parents,” you motioned listlessly to the gravestones. “I thought you were going down south.”

          “Dean can take care of this one alone.” Sam shifted closer to you, but you kept your eyes on your hands in your lap. Looking at him would be a mistake. Sam was the one person with the kind of power over you to change your mind. “What’s wrong, Y/N? Really?”

          You shook your head. “Nothing. You really should have stayed with Dean. I’m fine.”

          “No, you’re not.” You saw Sam reach for you out of the corner of your eye and turned your head away, looking down the row of graves. He hesitated briefly before gently taking your chin in his fingers and urging your face toward him. His touch almost undid you and it took all of your discipline to avoid his eyes. He would see right through you in a second. He would see everything you’d hidden and he would be disgusted.

          “Hey, Y/N,” he whispered. “Look at me.”

          You shook your head. Sam’s hand fell to the grass between the two of you.

          “Why? Talk to me, Y/N. What’s wrong?”

          “You should leave,” you choked out. Your stomach muscles started clenching and you curled in on yourself, wrapping your arms around your abdomen. You just wanted Sam to be left with his version of you. You wanted him to remember you as his friend, not as the horrible person you really were. You didn’t want him to see the real you.

          “I’m not leaving,” Sam said resolutely.

          “Well you should. You should walk away and never look back. Get as far away from me as possible.”

          “Why?” He prodded.

          “Because I can’t do this anymore!” You’d spent your whole life holding these thoughts back and letting them fester and grow inside your mind, but suddenly they were flying out of your mouth and hurtling toward Sam like arrows. “I can’t spend all day scared that you and Dean will suddenly figure everything out. I can’t stand the thought of you guys thinking that you could have done something differently or helped me. I can’t pretend that I’m not fucking useless and broken. And I can’t be fixed, Sam. I just can’t. I can’t keep waiting for you to see who I really am. I’m tired, Sam. I’m tired of not being enough and I’m tired of living.”

          “No, no, no. Y/N,” Sam’s eyes filled with the deepest hurt you’d ever seen on his face and that was the straw that broke you. You’d done that to him. You hadn’t even been able to leave him without hurting him. He moved, reaching for you, but you couldn’t take it and you stood up and took a few steps away.

          “Just leave, Sam,” you begged, voice cracking. “Please.”

          “Y/N, please listen to me.” Sam stood up and turned you to face him, curling his fingers around your shoulders. “We’ve all been through shit and—“

          “That’s exactly it, Sam! You and Dean have been through so much and you’re still fighting. I haven’t dealt with half the shit you have and I’m so fucking done. I just can’t. I’m too weak.”

          With the slightest pressure from Sam, you were pulled into him and he hugged you tightly to his chest. The unexpected embrace unlocked more tears and your fingers clenched his shirt as your whole body shook with sobs. Sam rubbed his hand up and down your back. “You aren’t weak, Y/N. And you’re not alone. We’ll get you through this, I promise.”

          You just shook your head. You were a lost cause. He just couldn’t see it yet.

          “We will,” he stated boldly. “You think Dean and I haven’t been where you are? We’ve had to talk each other off this ledge so many times.”

          “But you guys are worth it,” you whispered so softly you weren’t sure he heard. “I’m not.”

          Sam pulled back, framing your face with his hands. “You’re worth it to me.”

          “Don’t say that,” you pleaded.

          Tears streaked Sam’s face and the muscles around his lips twitched. “It’s true, Y/N. You just can’t see it. You’re the best person I’ve ever met. You’ve saved my ass more times than anyone. You always make me smile and you even make Dean smile.”

          You shook your head against his words, not wanting to hear them, but Sam continued on.

          “You always jump wholeheartedly into anything you do and I don’t know how you do it, but you always know exactly what to say to everyone. All of those people we help on hunts and you always treat them like they’re the only person who matters. You make everyone feel special. And just think of all of the people you’ve saved. You’re amazing.”

          “Sam, please don’t.”

          “Y/N,” Sam’s tone prompted you to lift your eyes to his. “I love you, and I’m not going to watch you tear yourself down like this.”

_Love?_ He couldn’t love you. You loved Sam, but you loved him enough to know that you weren’t right for him. You loved him enough to let him go. “Then walk away, Sam. Don’t watch. There’s nothing you can do.”

          He leaned down and kissed you softly. His lips on yours was suck a shock that you didn’t move. You were frozen. “Maybe you think there isn’t anything I can do, but I have to try. I should have told you that I love you a long time ago, and I should have made you talk to me when I first noticed that you weren’t alright, but I was scared. I didn’t want you to leave. Please, Y/N. Dean and I are here for you. _I’m_ here for you. Let us help.”

          The last few minutes had torn down some of your defenses and you found yourself nodding. “I’m not promising anything, though.”

          A tiny smile came onto Sam’s face. “That’s okay. We’ll get there.”

_And maybe_ , you thought, _just maybe we will._


End file.
